Anger.

I read a post on Facebook today and although I can’t remember what the post was about, I remember that one of the comments said that divorce was the easy way out.  I wanted to reply to that person’s comment and tell them how wrong they are, but I didn’t.  Instead, I’m going to give my two cents here.  

To me, divorce was not necessarily the easy way out.  I had worked so very hard in my marriage.  I had forgiven (but not forgotten) so many things.  I had brought my issues with the relationship to the table and I discussed them with my ex.  I poured my heart and soul into hard conversations with him.  I honestly wanted things to work out between us.  But, what I received in return was someone who listened, but didn’t hear.  Someone who said he understood, but never took action to fix the issues at hand.  I’m not going to sit here and bash my ex, because I know that will do no one good.  But, what I want to bring to light is that I tried so hard.  I gave so many chances.  I put up with so many things.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I was not perfect by any means.  But, when an issue was brought up, I tried to correct it as best as I could.

I did this for six years.  Towards the end, we had a few conversations where I made it clear that I had reached my end.  Things had to change.  I couldn’t do this anymore.  Now when I say that, I mean that I didn’t want to live this way anymore.  There are certain elements that are needed to keep a relationship going and those elements were missing.  They had been missing for a while and I had prayed about it.  I had fought about it.  I had done whatever I thought I could to make things better.  But at the end, I was tired of things being the way they were.

So, I took the hard road – the road that people like to call the easy way out.  I asked my best friend for a divorce.  He was my rock.  When something happened during my day, he was the one who I reached out to.  When I had good or bad news, he was the one I called.  He was the one I shared my days with, my weekends, my vacations, and my holidays.  He was literally my best friend.  Tell me why people call this the easy road?  To tell someone you no longer want to be married to them is certainly not easy.  Going from best friends to someone you can no longer call is not easy.  Going through a divorce, even after it is over – is not easy.

I have so much anger towards him.  I have anger because my marriage didn’t work out.  I have anger because people make comments that divorce is the easy way out.  Sure, I could’ve stayed and we could’ve lived that way for another half dozen (or more) years, but neither of us were getting what we needed from the other.  Who on earth wants to live that way?  Am I saying that divorce is right?  No, not at all.  But, I’m saying that I had to do what I had to do to make my life better in the end.  I wanted to be with someone who could give me the things that I needed and I wanted to be able to be the person that they needed.  

Divorce is not the easy road.  Divorce isn’t something that I took lightly.  It’s not something that is done and you’re suddenly happy because of it.  I just wish that I could explain to some people that I believe that I did the right thing and I’ll stand by my decision – even though I believe that God doesn’t approve of divorce.  I know that I have sinned, but I also know that He forgives.  I know that He knows my heart and He knows that I didn’t make this decision quickly.

August Recap

August started half marathon training and with that, life got a little busy.  I didn’t make all of my runs, either due to sickness or due to hitting snooze a few too many times.  I did do really well with training at the end of the month, though.  

August:  26 miles

I have no idea what my average pace was and honestly, even if I did, I wouldn’t post it right now. ha ha.

With August brought another change.  I now am an AdvoCare Distributor.  I have been interested in different AdvoCare products and a huge Spark addict for about 6 months now.  So, I finally bit the bullet and became a distributor.  If you’d like to take a peak at their products, you can visit my website at:  https://www.advocare.com/140826341 

In other news, the boyfriend and I are still doing really, really well.  I have found the most affectionate and kind man on earth and I couldn’t be more happier!

A Health Scare

Without going into too much detail, I had a health scare this month.  I’ve been having “lady problems” for the last few months and I’ve had to visit the doctor three times in the last four months.  Well, my doctor was stumped with why all of this was suddenly happening and why I wasn’t getting completely well.  Well, last week I went back to the doctor because I was in terrible pain and I was bleeding, a lot.  She took lots of samples and sent them off for a lab test that basically tested for everything that could be wrong.  Something she mentioned was that she was really worried as to why my cervix was having so many issues.  She didn’t want to scare me, but cervical cancer did come up. 

Well, as you can imagine, all kinds of thoughts went through my mind in the last week.  My mother had a hysterectomy around 30 and I’ll be 33 next month.  I did not want to have that happen or to have cancer.  I’d really like to have a child or at the very least be able to have the option.

Finally, the doctor called yesterday and told me it was nothing major, but that the medicine she had been giving me wasn’t going to work on the strains of bacteria that was found on my cervix and in my urinary tract.  That was news to my ears!!  I didn’t have to worry about the dreaded C word or having a hysterectomy!!  I gladly went to Kroger Pharmacy after work and picked up my 4th and 5th antibiotics in less than a week.  Yep, I’ve taken a ton of antibiotics in the last week!!

Through all of this, I thought a lot about my faith and what it all meant.  I know that my little scare was tiny when compared to what God gives others.  I am so very thankful that I have my health and it’s only made me realize that I need to get back into reading The Bible more.  I’ve really slacked with that in the last few months and I really need to dig deeper into it.  I know that I’ve been through a lot in the last year and a half, but I know that I haven’t been alone in my trials.  He is always right there beside me.  That’s comforting and I need to do a better job of studying the word. 

With all of that being said, I made it half way through week 1 of half marathon training and have completely taken off of week 2.  Week 3 starts next week and I’m so ready to get back to running!

Almost A PR…

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So, I went into the Firecracker 5k without any real goals.  I just wanted to do my best and see what I could do.  I told myself not to look at my watch and towards the end I glanced down to find that I was so close to my PR (from 2010)!  I was kind of mad at myself for taking some walk breaks after seeing that, but I just told myself to finish it out strong.  I finished the race 38 seconds from my PR.  Crazy.  Since then, I haven’t been running because I’ve had a summer cold – and since I have asthma, I don’t push it and run while sick.  I’m almost over the cold though…which is a good thing since Half Marathon training starts this Saturday.  Yep, it’s that time again!  I’m hoping to really buck up and do great this year. 

Onto other things… The boy and I went on a mini road trip this weekend to Tyler, Texas for a wedding.  It was really cool getting to meet some people he went to school with and such.  Then the next day we went to Six Flags Over Texas in Arlington and then the day after that, we toured Cowboy Stadium and came home.  We had so much fun and eventually I’ll get the pictures from him (his phone takes better pictures) and I’ll post them.

But, until then, I’ll post this picture…since I’m a visual person and like looking at other people’s pictures. 

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This was taken right before the Blake Shelton concert last month.  We were eating with my family at Olive Garden.  I hate the way I look in the picture, but it’s one of the few that I have of us.  Man, I love that boy.   :)

What Now?

I moved out of our house in March and have been living in a nice one bedroom apartment with my dog, Rocky. Since then, I’ve been enjoying getting out and doing things I normally would never do…such as pedicures, bars, and strip clubs. Yes, I said strip clubs. Y’all, my coworkers are a hoot and somehow we end up at strip clubs after shutting down karaoke bars. At first I was very uncomfortable, but after you talk to a few of the girls, you realize that they’re just trying to make a living and pay for school (although, I’d take student loans any day instead of doing THAT). Anywho, other than the late nights, I’ve started getting back into running…slowly. If you take a gander at my Daily Mile profile, you’d notice that there are months where I did absolutely NO running. Well, that’s changing – starting with this month. I bought a new pair of Brooks and I’ve ran in them 3 times in the last week. That’s more than I did some months combined.

Other than that, I did something really outside of the box for me. I took a conceal carry class and I aced it. I need to send in my paperwork and then I’ll have my conceal carry license. I’m pretty darn proud of myself for that.

This whole not being married thing has taken some getting used to…but I’m making it. I have days when I’m REALLY disappointed in the way things turned out, but then I have other days when I think that it just wasn’t meant to turn out any differently. I know others might disagree, but it is what it is.

That’s about all I have to share for now… I have a 5k tomorrow morning. I’ll post sometime on how that goes. I have no idea what to expect. I know that I’m no where close to where I used to be, but hey, life happened.

Happiness.

Y’all, I don’t even know where to start.  The last time we spoke, I had kind of hinted as to what a rough year it had been, but I left a really important part out (on purpose).  I was getting a divorce.  At the time that I wrote the last post, I knew that my marriage was done, but the ex and I hadn’t had our final talk yet.  That talk came about a week later.  For privacy purposes, I won’t go into why our marriage ended.  I will say that it was a very, very difficult decision and one that I did not make lightly.  We had our issues and had been dealing with them throughout our entire marriage.  I was determined to make it work.  I was 110% sure that we were going to remain married to each other for the rest of our lives.  But then, one morning things just clicked.  I struggled from that morning on.  I just knew that this marriage wasn’t making either one of us happy. 

Happy.  It’s such a simple word, but there is SO much meaning behind that word.  I know that marriage isn’t always great and full of romance.  I know it’s HARD.  Believe me, we definitely worked through some pretty dang hard things.  We made it through those hard things, sure.  But, those hard things left scars the size of mountains.  Trust was lost.  Happiness was lost.  Those two things are very difficult to get back.  You NEED those two things.  Without them, you’re just kind of going through the motions and waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s what I was doing.  We were both aware of that.  He told me many of times, “you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  He was right.  I’m here to tell you that is not a way to live.  So, to make a long and difficult story short… We made the decision to do the right thing for US. 

 

I can honestly say that it was the HARDEST decision of my life.  But, on the flip side, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.  That may sound harsh.  It’s not.  I’m not happy because I’m away from him.  I’m happy because I started doing things for ME again.  I lived my life for him.  Now, I live my life for me.  Also, to add to my happiness, I met someone.  Isn’t that how the story goes?  I wasn’t trying to meet anyone.  Truly, I wasn’t.

I was out with a friend at a sport’s bar and we were waiting for our other friends to get there.  Well, she said “Why don’t I invite Wes?”  I said sure.  Wes was one of our coworkers.  Well, I thought she was talking about the other Wes – the one who works day shift with us.  She was actually talking about the Wes that works the night shift.  Well, her and I are sitting there talking and I notice this guy walk by our table and I think, “Wow, that guy is hot.”  Well, he sat down at our table.  That’s when I had my “oh crap” moment.  Then, I immediately became a little bummed.  I knew he was way younger than me and therefore, I was no longer interested.  I never, ever date younger.  Never.  Well, never say never.  That night we began talking.  A week later I moved into my new apartment and then the next night we went on our first date.  The rest, they say, is history.  :) 

I know this has become super long, but I want to say this about my happiness.  On paper and to others, my ex and I had everything going for us and we were perfect for each other.  We both graduated from the same college, worked in the same field, made great money, and enjoyed the same things.  But, there was one thing missing.  Our love languages were completely different and I needed affection.  I craved it.  He didn’t grow up in an overly affectionate household and I did – that was a huge difference and a huge struggle for me.  I needed affection and I wasn’t getting what I needed.  The new guy?  If you look at us on paper, we have our differences that stand out.  The age gap being one of them.  But, I have never met a more affectionate or sweeter guy in my life.  He literally treats me like I’m the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I know the relationship is still new.  I know things will eventually change.  But, for now, I’m enjoying every moment of it and I’m loving the happiness that he brings to my day.  He truly makes me happy and I’ve learned that happiness is a very sacred thing. 

Goodbye 2013

Y’all, I’m beyond ready to say goodbye to 2013.  I can honestly say that this has probably been the most difficult year ever.  I thought 2013 would be awesome, because my favorite number is 13 (lol).  But honestly?  It has pretty much sucked. 

My parents split and divorced.  My dad went a little coo-coo….He got engaged….He had a heart attack…..Had a stint put in because he had 95% blockage in his “widow-maker.” 

Y’all, I’m a daddy’s girl – that stuff alone about killed me.  Add to it some other issues and I’m ready for this year to be over.  Seriously.  I know this is the season of Joy and Giving, but I feel like everything has been sucked out of me.  Can we just get this month behind us (the first Christmas where my dad wont be there for our normal Christmas traditions) and get started with 2014 already? 

Oh, and as if this month isn’t stressful enough, I’m having a minor surgery in two weeks.  The plus side?  I get to stay home for a few days and watch movies (at least that’s the plan).  I really hope y’all had a great year, but if you don’t mind, can we just fast forward to January?